This is a transcript of Podcast #2 that I made on Instagram: @potatopaikia, in which I shared my thoughts for the following question:
We all know women are complex creatures when it comes to falling in love. But what about men? Let us hear you talk about how men fall in love.
My answer: I’d like to start off first by saying that I personally believe that all of us are unique individuals, and that we should avoid generalising as much as possible. I know for a fact that men too may not always be easy to understand, and can be complex creatures as well, contrary to popular belief!
To answer your question, I think it boils down to two main things when men fall in love: Respect and Understanding.
As humans, both men and women desire to be understood and accepted for who they are completely, without expectations. And the truth is, love can only grow out of understanding. And who wouldn’t want to be treated with love and respect?
This is especially true for men, since we are usually more egotistical, hence the need to feel respected is a lot greater and it becomes a pre-requisite to us falling in love.
If you’ve been in a relationship before, have you ever wondered why the more you carried expectations of your boyfriend/husband to behave a certain way or want him to be a certain way, the more you seemed to lose him? That’s because each time you do so, you are actually manipulating him without realising.
This is not to say of course that men demand respect, as respect cannot be demanded. But the main problem we face in this day and age is poor communication, be it during the courting phase or even between married couples. That is why so many relationships fail and marriages end in divorce.
I believe falling in love is not just a one time occurence during the courtship phase. We have the human capacity to fall in love every single day. But the pressures and stresses of daily life limit our capacity to be life-giving, and therefore prevent us from receiving the love we wish to receive.
So the fallback position is always this: Are you communicating from love and creating safety for communication? Or are you communicating from fear and insecurity, with a hidden desire to control or possess him, or to tie him down to force an outcome?
If we are honest with ourselves, we will know it definitely works both ways, as women do not like it either when men start to become manipulative, or controlling and possessive.
So when do men fall in love? Bearing what I said above in mind, a man falls in love with a woman easiest and fastest when he feels respected and understood, and is given a safe space to be himself without being judged, or manipulated to act in a way he doesn’t want to act.
There are of course other variables as well: like whether the man in question is younger or older, is he experienced in love, or is he inexperienced with women and relationships? How emotionally available is he? When was his last relationship, and was it a long-term relationship?
Men at different life stages tend to respond differently to love, and they also communicate love in very different ways. So there isn’t only just one fixed formula on how men fall in love, as you can see!
Based on my experience though, I find that most younger or inexperienced men will fall in love a lot faster. They also tend to be a lot more expressive of their feelings from the beginning.
Men who are experienced with women and more mature men in general will be slower to fall in love. Not because they are playing games, but simply because of where they are in life. Particularly so for those who have experienced major break-ups or have had their world or life fall apart before.
Such men will be a lot more comfortable with the idea of leaving things open ended at the beginning, to live without certainty and unnecessary expectations because they are very aware of how diving head first into love has many pitfalls.
In general though, the same principle applies across all personality types of men. The more he feels respected and understood, the more he feels it is safe to lower his guard. And when that happens, the law of gravity will do the rest.
Always give a man the time, space and freedom to choose you.